My hair!

Today my hair straightener, which has served me well these past two years, did something absolutely horrendous.

While straightening my BANGS of all things!!

It's early in the morning, almost time to leave, good thing I'm nearly done with my hair.  Suddenly I'm standing there, holding my straightener with that feeling in my stomach that happens when you go to take the next step... and the staircase has ended. 

It should have taken much longer to straighten that piece of hair.  In a daze, still not comprehending, I open it, and a clump of hair falls into my hand.

I slowly start to recognize the smell of burnt hair.  I look up...

Ya... A whole clump of hair had just been burned off... Wow... :'(

Femme Doctor

I shall now show you all my inner geek.  You're welcome.  haha.

As soon as James gave me a sonic screwdriver for my birthday, I knew I was going to cosplay as The Doctor at SLC Comic Con.

I really didn't think about why I had chosen The Doctor, instead of the wide array of female characters I could have chosen from.  I focused more on which doctor I would be.  My first inclination would be the 4th doctor, since he is so iconic, and because... my hair can totally do that... with ease...

However, a few things held me back... 

A. That scarf is freaking long, and would take me an eternity to crochet/knit (though I will definitely make it at some point). 

David Tennant, warning us about the Weeping Angels

B. MY sonic screwdriver is the most recent version (owned by the 10th/11th doctors). 

C. The 10th doctor is my favorite.  

D. My glasses look A LOT like the 10th doctor's glasses, and it would be awesome to be able to wear my glasses and have them fit perfectly with my cosplay.   SO I decided on the 10th doctor.

I NEED THAT COAT.  Sure, I could do the cosplay without it... but WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?!!?!  So... anyone have a butt-ugly brown overcoat/duster that is maybe even double-breasted?  I could order the "Official BBC version" but that is $360 - in the words of internet gifs/memes "aint nobody got money for that."  In case I can't find one, I've been keeping my eye out for similarly shaded wool blankets @ second hand stores, and I'll just make it.

So, next topic... Since I've started doing my research, I've realized that this 'Femme Doctor' is a thing... and not just a thing... a feminist thing...  This is a pretty good article about it http://io9.com/5887847/gender+swapped-doctors-are-our-new-favorite-form-of-doctor-who

TIME LADIES - aka - Female renditions of The Doctor's regenerations

The current doctor is played by Matt Smith, who had made it clear that he is in favor of the next doctor being a woman.  Well, we now know that the next doctor will be played by Peter Capaldi, and I am very psyched about that.  I'm definitely not bemoaning that he is old, or another white male.  I look at him and think, he IS the doctor.

However, I'm still not dressing up as River Song, or the TARDIS (though they are both perfectly awesome things to cosplay as.)  I chose a male character, and didn't even think about it.  Is it because I see so much of myself in the doctor (especially the 10th doctor), that I didn't think about the little issue of gender?  Or is it because I commonly think of The Doctor as a... nonsexual?... like Sheldon.  haha

Cooking with tofu (aka, some yummy vegetarian porcupine 'meat'balls)

When we first started going vegetarian, I think TOFU was the most stressful thing about it.  I tried cooking the little cubes, and they turned out so spongy and bland.  I would try making things like 'meat'loaf and 'meat'balls, and they would turn into an all-day-affair.

Last night we threw these (and the spaghetti) together in about 30 minutes.  James made the spaghetti, set the table, and washed dishes - he's awesome like that - he also took the photo (coming soon lol).

You know how your grandma makes things... just randomly dumping things into a bowl and coming up with a masterpiece?  A somewhat lack of measuring and more intuition-based?  I kinda do the same thing, except I have to do my research.  I go online and look up a bunch of the same kinds of recipes, compile their similarities, and then do my own thing.  That is what this recipe will look like.  Sorry in advance.

When I'm making 'meat' dishes with tofu there are a few basic staples that I like to use.

• Usually you want to use firm or extra-firm tofu for these types of dishes (I work with the 14oz, GMO-free block that you can find almost everywhere).  Drained and pressed.
• A medium white or yellow onion, fully mulched by our tiny food processor. (I prefer the texture that comes with a whole fresh onion - it sounds like a lot, but don't worry, you need the whole thing).
• A binder (usually that means an egg - sorry vegans, do you have a better idea?)
• Something to thicken it up (I prefer breadcrumbs)
• Spices (plenty, like double what you would usually use for a meat dish)

Other things that I like to put in depending on the dish (or if I have them):

• MUSHROOMS - I love mushrooms.  Break them into smallish pieces.
• Grated carrots or small pieces of celery - adds texture and taste (you can saute them first if you really want to work extra hard, might as well throw in the onion and mushrooms while you're at it...)
• Uncooked instant rice
• Quick-oats (a good thickener for the gluten-intolerant - obviously you have to use gluten free oats if that is your reason)
• A clove (or two) of fresh garlic

And now, what you've all been waiting for:

Porcupine 'Meat'balls 'Recipe'

Ingredients:

• 1 14oz block firm or extra firm tofu
• 1 medium white onion
• Spices (in this case, they were to go with spaghetti, so I leaned toward Italian spices).
• Salt/Pepper
• Parsley
• Basil
• Garlic Powder
• Worcestershire sauce
• Thyme
• Oregano
• 1 egg
• 2/3 C. uncooked instant rice
• aprx.  1 1/2 C. italian flavored breadcrumbs

Steps

1. Start the tofu draining/pressing.  This is pretty fun.  Build a really precarious tower.  Mine (from the counter up) usually goes: A plate (to catch the mess), the upside-down tofu container (as something for the liquid to drain down), the block of tofu, another plate (to distribute the weight), and a couple random cans of food (for weight).
2. Peel and cut the top and bottom off of your onion.  Chop it into smaller pieces so it fits into your food processor.  Destroy it in your food processor (usually I end up with a liquidy pulp).  Put it in a bowl.
3. Add your spices to the onion, if you're used to cooking with meat, add more spices.
4. Get your tofu (you should have at least a 1/4 c. of liquid on the bottom plate by now).  Carefully squeeze it a little more (it will start falling apart).  Put it in with your onion and spices and mix it (I use my hands).  Taste it - go ahead, it's perfectly safe - no e-coli in these meatballs.  Add more spices if needed (bland is not going to be fixed, you want it highly tasty at this point - probably even a little stronger than you prefer).
5. Add the egg and rice.  Mix in the breadcrumbs 1/2 cup at a time until you can form balls that hold their shape well.
6. Heat a little olive oil on MEDIUM heat, and drop them in, turning as each side gets brown.  It made about 20 for me.  We only cooked 8 (4 each was plenty when combined with spaghetti), I formed the rest into balls and put them in the freezer.

A dream, part 1

This is mainly for Krista.  She likes hearing about and sharing dreams.

I spent yesterday slacking off watching the first season of The Walking Dead, so of course my dreams were going to be trippy.

At 4am I woke up and decided I'd had enough of terrifying zombie dreams, so I deliriously opened the scriptures on my tablet.  I meant to go to the New Testament, but somehow ended up in the Pearl of Great Price, and this scripture floated around my dream memory for the next couple hours of sleep.  And also zombies.

10 And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I have never supposed.


Part 1

I woke up, not quite sure where I was.  That feeling that you don’t remember going to bed here.  Yet, upon reflection, this IS my bed, it’s only logical that I went to sleep here.

James was next to me.

I needed to find the boat.

We need the boat.

Walking outside, I’m happy it’s light outside.  The heat of the sun sinks to my core, helping to dispel some of the chill.  It is late fall, and the frost has settled everywhere.

I was looking for something.

The boat.  It will be down by the river.

James walks with me to the river.  We’re almost ready, soon we’ll escape.

Hand in hand we pick our way along the frosty muddy riverbank.  I’m looking for something.

The boat.  No. Wait.

Something else.  We need the boat.

No.  Right there, just outside conscious thought… I’m looking for something else…

The boat isn’t where it’s supposed to be.  James is very upset.  Somehow I know we’ll get to it, it’s just a little further…

I urge James further.  I lie.  It probably just got unhooked and floated a little downstream.  I push a branch away from my face.  I know it’s a lie, but I need to keep looking.  What am I looking for?

I stumble and my foot slips, cracking the ice, sliding into the frigid water.  James catches me before anything else gets soaked.  He tries to convince me that we need to go back now, it’s getting to be about noon, but I just keep going forward.

My eyes scan the water.  Something. Something. What am I looking for?

James asks me a question.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what I’m looking for.

He stops me.  “Where is your ring?”  I don’t understand.   What ring?  “Your engagement ring.”  Looking down I suddenly realize I’m not wearing my ring. 

Have I been here before? 

Where is my ring?  I never take it off.  How could it be gone?  I stare at my hand in disbelief, trying to remember the last time I distinctly remember it being on my finger.

I look at James… I can’t remember.  Where is it? When did I take it off?  This feels important.  Why can’t I remember?  I don’t lose things.  I really don’t forget very often either… especially something as important as my ring.  It’s been on my finger for 7 years.  Where did it go?

Continuing to walk forward, I think.

I remember yesterday.  I think.   It was warmer.  I went on a boat ride by myself.  Wait.  By myself?  That doesn’t seem right… we’re supposed to stick together… why would I go off by myself?

Where is the boat?

Inside I scream.  Why can’t I remember?  I’ve never done drugs, but movies have portrayed this feeling.  This realization that you lost time, you don’t know how long you lost, or what you did.  Did I get drugged?

James stops me and points something out.  What?

He is pointing a corpse.  Strange.  There are so many corpses everywhere now, we mostly ignore them.

But he’s right, there is something strange about this one.

The river is calmer and wider here, and so clear.  At what seems the deepest point, there is a corpse of a brunette girl.  Face down in the muddy lake bed, her brown hair swirls lazily with the undercurrents.  Half buried in sediment, wearing jeans and a tee.  She has probably been down there a while.  Lucky her. 

Up here the dead get torn apart and eaten.

Maybe that’s what’s strange.  She’s intact, we haven’t seen an intact corpse in a while.  Wait.  Don’t corpses usually float in the water?

James observes that she isn’t bloated like most corpses, more like shriveled.  The extremely cold water of the river must have kept her gut bacteria from reproducing and bloating her.

Still, she entrances us.  I want to pull her up.  Examine her more closely, but there is really no way to do so.  It is much too cold to expose a person to those waters.  She is also far too deep for any clumsy attempts at knocking her loose with a rod.

A little further on we spot our canoe turned over on the far bank.  Definitely looking worse for wear.  Neither of us understand how it could have gotten so trashed in the short distance it had drifted downstream.

The days are shorter now.

Realizing how late it already is, we start back, boatless.  No way to cross the river today, we’ll have to work that out tomorrow.

The quickly gathering dusk gives us new speed, and we no longer follow the river.  Cutting through the sparse woods, we attempt to shorten our journey home.


To be continued... (no promises)

The monthly visitor

Yes.  This post is about periods.  If you don't want to read a blog post about periods, then you can stop reading.

That being said, I've never understood the big hush hush surrounding periods.

It's the monthly red devil.

The shame of womanhood.

Women in the new testament were so dirty while on their period, they were considered untouchable! What?!?

Heaven forbid if you have your period while on your honeymoon.  What an embarrassment!  What a disgrace!  Better plan your wedding date around your monthly cycle.

Women are uncontrollable when on their periods.  (who are you, and why do you think you have the right to control the women?)

I just don't understand.

The first time I got my period, I was ecstatic.  I had crossed the bar into womanhood.  Biology (and in my opinion, God) had just told me that I was trusted enough to create, bear, and raise a child.  I shouldn't go do it right now, but I was trusted enough to be able to choose the right time and make that decision.

Some people call children a burden or an enslavement of women.  I disagree.  As a feminist, I think that there is nothing more empowering then being told that you (with, lets face it, not very much help from a man) can create and birth another human being.  Can men do this.  No.  Sorry men.  You're not cool enough.  (sorry men, I like you, and the good ones are essential in the raising of children, but you're not doing the creating, the women are) Sorry... I digress...

Periods.

Why do people hate them.  (that's not a question, it's a statement.  Note the period.  ha!)

I don't know why, but despite all the negativity, the female-shaming, that surrounds periods, I've never been able to dislike mine.  More than that.  I appreciate and even enjoy my period.

Am I weird?  Am I the only one who looks at memes that bemoan the torment of the monthly cycle, and think... wow... I REALLY don't relate to that...  ?

Some fun things

Her name is Des Ta Te, she had to have part of one wing removed after getting shot there.

Last week James and I went on an awesome field trip to the Ogden Nature Center with our Wolf and Bear cub scouts.  Did you know there is a bald eagle there??  I didn't.  We saw a lot of beautiful birds of prey.  One of my scouts mentioned that it was sad seeing the bald eagle in a cage where it can't really fly.  I explained that usually these animals were bred in captivity by poachers, or were found injured and are being rehabilitated.  However, I didn't tell him that it was kind of sad to me too.

Last night I built a crane out of Legos while watching my human anatomy/physiology lectures online.  James tried to break it  :'(

Right now it is raining.  Hard.  There is also a lot of thunder.  It's pretty great.

My dad is going to play Lincoln in an indy film soon.  I get to do his makeup.  I'm a little nervous.  When you do makeup for film there is a difficult balance.  You can't do the same makeup that you do for theatre, because it is too obvious.  You have to be able to use subtle effects, but still create an accurate experience (you also need to allow for the comfort and freedom of facial expression for the actor).  Luckily, he is growing his beard similarly to Lincoln's, and he doesn't look TOO different... (meaning, it's a lot easier to turn HIM into Lincoln than it is to turn ME into Lincoln.)

I think the biggest problem will be the ears... I don't know... when you think Lincoln, do you think big ears?  Maybe I'll just do some shading to make them look a little larger.

James Graduated!

Congratulations JAMES!!!

James doesn't read this blog.

James doesn't read blogs.

So this is for all of you.

Thank you everyone who have been his support through this...  Also... this isn't the end of the story... please know we still need your support as much as ever ;)

Thank you everyone who came to the graduation party (both in physical form and in spirit).  James even admitted that he had a good time ;)

Elizabeth Smart

A lot of people remember Elizabeth Smart's abduction.  I feel like I remember it more clearly than most things that were happening at that time.  Mainly because of what we had in common: she is only a few months younger than me, I had lived in SLC for a while, we are both Mormon.  I remember fasting and praying for her, despite a clear understanding of what I was sure had happened to her.  I wanted to help look for her, but I knew no one would let me.

I remember the claims of news agencies that the evidence shows she just ran away, and that her sister was either covering her tracks or looking for attention.  I admired the strength of her sister to try her best despite so much public scrutiny and despite everyone second-guessing her (and telling her it wasn't enough).  I remember when her father was a suspect, and how the people around me also started to blame him (either outright - accusing him of murder, or round-about - it's his fault for letting all those ruffians into his house).  I remember how some people around me still blame him...

I have followed her closely, not in a seeking-after-celebrity way - but out of a genuine interest in how she was doing, since she survived.  I've wanted her to continue being okay.  When she was found I searched for pictures and information, but everything was kept very private.  I was always trying to find out more about her.  After she testified in court I would look up the new information, and I would look up pictures to see if she looked happy.  When she got married I looked for pictures and information as well.  There was a little bit of guilt though, because I didn't want to invade her privacy.

I recently went with my mom to Evanston's Healthy Woman Conference.  This is the second year in a row she has bought tickets for us.  This year, Elizabeth Smart was the speaker.  She did a great job, and I'm really glad that she told us her story.  When something bad happens to us, it is often hard to talk about it.  It really takes courage to invite people into the dark corners of our existence.

Grateful

Necklace I made for my grandma

I've made a friend recently.  I have several personality traits that can make me hard to be around, so I'm grateful for every new friend.

One day when I helping out at a local assisted living center, a patient showed the CNA one of her necklaces, it was broken, and she wanted it fixed.  I observed that it was a really easy fix, and told her that I would bring my jewelry pliers next time I came.

Well, it turned out that a lot of her jewelry was broken.

Luckily, I adore making and fixing jewelry.

The next time I came we sat for several hours.  She organized her jewelry, and set aside the things that needed fixing, and I repaired what I could (considering I had only brought my mini pliers).

While we sat we talked.  Her body betrays her, but you can tell that her regrets cause a lot more pain than her physical body does.  She has made a lot of changes in her life, but you can tell she feels like they came too late.  Her children blame her for a lot of their problems, and you can tell she agrees with them.  They openly shame and reject her for her earlier choices, and she feels like she deserves the way they treat her.

She is trying, despite her struggles, and that's what makes her beautiful to me.

When you're a teen you live by the idea that it is your life, YOLO (you only live once), etc.  I'm sure that everyone made decisions as a teen that they now regret (I know I did).  However, despite my devious desires, I had people around me who cared about me, and helped me to nurture values that kept me from straying as far as I might have.  I'm so grateful that I don't have the same burden of regrets as my new friend.


I'm not very good at remembering to say my morning or nightly prayers, but if I wake up especially grumpy, I'll say a quick and heartfelt prayer asking my Heavenly Father to help me notice all the blessings in my life.  Then as the day progresses, I'll say little prayers of gratitude for the things I've noticed.  This is one of those things.

Spring

Every year around this time I feel like Thumbelina.  I start seeing patches of warm sunlight and I exclaim, "The Sun!  The sun is shining again!!"  Nothing in life has really changed, but because winter is over, there is now hope in the world.

I then proceed to scramble desperately out of the mole hole.

Murphy is Slacking

On Friday our cub scouts got the opportunity to do the flag ceremony for an Eagle Court of Honor.

While doing my research I learned A LOT about flag ceremonies.  For instance, the color guard isn't supposed to salute, say the Pledge of Allegiance, or sing the national anthem.  That is because it is their duty to guard the flag, and nothing else.

Sadly, only 2 of our cub scouts would be able to make it, and you technically need at least three.

This is when an odd-but-fortunate set of events began to take place.

Do you know Murphy's Law?  It says, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

My mother would always mention it.  Usually it was while my father and her were trying to get out the door to go to the temple.  

Temple recommends went suddenly missing

Cars stopped working

Babysitters couldn't make it

Electricity went out

Children became sick...

Well, on Friday, Murphy must have been slacking...  Seriously slacking...  Or busy bugging someone more important... (Maybe concentrating on bringing in the snow storm...)

Friday morning I was talking to my mom.  She mentioned that her ward temple night was that night.  She was sad they wouldn't be able to go because they didn't have care for Dallin. 

I suddenly realized the remote possibility of having a 3rd cub scout for the flag ceremony.  Aaron is exactly the same age as our cub scouts.  In fact, he just received his wolf, and is now working on his bear.  It was just crazy that the one night of the month when I might get to watch Aaron coincided with the night our cubs were doing the flag ceremony.

My mom mentioned that Dallin's morning helper was late... supposed to be there at 8... it's now 8:30... (Turns out the helper thought he was supposed to be there at 10).

I told her about my cub scout conundrum, and how we would LOVE to watch Aaron if they're able to make it to the temple, but he needs to bring his scout shirt. haha. (my mom knows I was teasing)

Now, just for a second, you might be confused, so lets go off topic.  Aaron and Dallin are both my brothers.  I would love to watch them both.  However, Dallin has Muscular Dystrophy and is confined to a wheelchair.  In order for him to go places, my parents have to use their wheel-chair accessible van.   This van uses about 4 times the gas of any normal vehicle (maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get my point, it's expensive to drive long distances in it, and my parents live an hour away from me, and even further from the closest temple.)  My family is able to get a helper to come in and transfer/spend time with/help Dallin, and this is usually the only time when both my parents can leave the house at the same time, but when they do, they have to find someone else to watch Aaron if they want to have a date.

So, since Dallin's helper was now almost an hour late, my mom called the service, and asked if his helper could come that night instead...  Which he could!

So, through an odd set of coincidences, which I was previously convinced only happen in books, my parents got to go to their ward temple night, and our scouts had 3 boys for the flag ceremony!  Which, can I say, they rocked.  The scout in our troop who called out the orders MEMORIZED the commands!  They each did so well.

Ode to Sugar

Sugar, thy sweetness upon my lips.
Thou art my seductress, my vixen.
ya... that's all I've got... I'm not much of a poet...


(Sugaraholics Anonymus)
Hi, my name is Alicia.

"Hi Alicia"

It's been 16 hours since I last had sugar.  Probably the longest I've ever gone ;)

I've been addicted to sugar since before I can remember.  You might say that sugar doesn't count as an addiction, but (one of the many) definitions of addiction is: "Impaired control over substances or behavior, preoccupation with substance or behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial."

Sugar isn't good for you.  I know this.  High intake can lead to becoming overweight and/or getting diabetes.  There are no nutrients in sugar.  I don't need to eat sugar...  But still I consume it...  In unreasonably high quantities...

I remember every Halloween, when I would decide to save some of this candy for later...  but then... eating it all, and not feeling even a little sick, just full of energy... and FREE!!!

Then spotting my sister's saved candy a month later and wondering HOW!?!?!  Admiring her for her self control, and hating myself for the lack of it.  Fighting with myself over stealing some, and eventually, disgustingly, giving in and stealing some, and eating it in my room amid battling feelings of regret, disgust, and NEED!

Sneaking the ice cream out of the freezer and bringing it into the BATHROOM (gross!) to eat it, so my parents wouldn't catch me.  Telling myself, just a little more, and I'll put it back... but now it looks different on top... I better even it out... don't want to get caught... and end up eating half the carton...

The cake on top of the fridge... (I think it had a clown on it)  I repeatedly dug my finger into the icing every time I passed...  I knew I shouldn't... I tried to resist... Tried so hard...  Sometimes I would be able to hold back and not take any...  sometimes only a little, but other times I would lose all control... and eventually... when the destruction was discovered, everyone was disappointed at the destroyed cake.  I felt so guilty, so disappointed in myself, but another part of me was disappointed that it wouldn't be on top of the fridge so I would no longer get a regular fix.  The self disgust!
(My dad is reading this and thinking... It took her THIS long to tell the truth about that cake?  We've always known it was her...) (The sad thing is, just writing this makes me want to go out and buy a thing of cream cheese frosting and eat it all in one sitting...  I'll tell you what, it's a good thing I exercise...)

Apple pie, right?  Fruit...  is good for breakfast... Apple pie has fruit...

Brownies... have cocoa... which contains both iron and antioxidants... and grain... there is flour in brownies... there is flour in toast... which is good for breakfast... so ... brownies for breakfast!!

Ah... the justifications...

I've tried to quit so many times.

But it has never even lasted a day.

The last few years I've just accepted it, I've stopped fighting.



Then I watched this:
http://geneticroulettemovie.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZVRrbyGtos

Unlike Food, Inc. (which made me just want to stop eating all food, or give up the fight), this documentary actually left me with a positive attitude towards my ability to *eventually* avoid GMOs.

This has helped me with my sugar problem.

I've decided to start out by *trying* to avoid GMO corn, for the sake of posterity.  Luckily I don't have any personal digestive issues (crazy right?  after that colon abuse you'd think I'd have them all).  Corn isn't very nutritional anyway, so I won't be missing out on anything.

It is surprising the amount of trash you eliminate from your diet when you're trying to avoid the BT toxin.

TONS of packaged foods have, mainly, corn syrup.  This is what has helped me.  I tell myself I can have sugar, as long as it is cane or beet sugar (which, I swear, isn't in ANYTHING anymore).  So it has helped me make better decisions.  Instead of the Caramello (or orange sticks), I choose dark chocolate with almond pieces, made with cane sugar, which I typically am able to eat with much more moderation.  It's pretty sad, I love carmel with chocolate, but I have yet to find a "Caramello" type treat that doesn't have corn syrup...  So... If you find one... tell me!!  (not that it will help my sugar addiction, but seriously, tell me).

I've still been cheating.  When I eat a treat at someones house, I'm not going to ask them if it contains corn...  and just choosing not to eat it...  HA... seriously... not going to happen

Luckily I've never fallen into a soda addiction, otherwise this corn avoidance would be ssssoooo much more painful.  Weird right?  I have this severe sugar issue, but have somehow avoided a caffeine problem.

Engagement Ring

Sigh...

I'm sad

I lost my engagement ring.

On Saturday

I don't even remember taking it off.

I know I had it on at 4pm, because someone commented on it.

But I don't know for sure that I still had it on when I rode a bike home at 10pm.

I'm 90% sure I still had it on...

I remember putting on gloves (I was about to ride a bike in February at 10pm - brrr), and I seem to remember having to put them on so they wouldn't snag on the ring... but I've been doing that for so long...

Later that night there is a slight snag of wafting memory.  Something about putting it in the front pocket of the scrubs I was wearing.  However, I have no idea why I would do that, and if I did...  a thorough search of all scrub pockets comes out empty.

I'm sad

It hasn't spent this much time off my finger since James gave it to me 6.5 years ago.

I know it's just a thing, an object

but it's also a symbol, a reminder...  And it's pretty... what can I say... it's probably my most treasured possession.

I hope I find it soon

One Billion Rising

Yesterday I was privileged to take part in an event that happened all over the world.  Women, and the men who love them, coming together to call for an end to violence against women.  Stop the rape and the rape culture, end female circumcision and human trafficking, and end domestic abuse in all forms.

My dear friend Bridget is part of Sheros United.  This organization came together to give the women of Utah a chance to participate (and advocate for some current Utah legislation).

There were two events, one at noon and one at three.  Since I get off at three now, I was planning on going to the later one.  However, around 9am my neck started hurting, and by 11am the resulting headache was unmanageable.  I got off work and started for home, seriously disappointed that I wouldn't be able to participate. 

Then I remembered about the one at noon.

I tried to talk myself out of going (after all, my headache was so chaotic I hadn't been getting anything done at work).  However, ultimately, I decided I would just go to show my support.

So I turned the car around and went to the noon event, and I'm so glad I did.  The one thing I regret is that I didn't bring any other women with me.

Thanks to One Billion Rising: http://onebillionrising.org/

Thank you to Sheros United: http://www.sheroesunited.org/

And thanks to KSL and all the news agencies who covered it:  http://www.ksl.com/?sid=24083761&nid=148&title=utah-flash-mobs-protest-violence-against-women&fm=home_page&s_cid=queue-8

Post Partum Depression

If you read this blog, then you know that my new goal is to become a midwife.

I have always been interested in pregnancy, birth, and post partum concepts.  Always so curious.  Researching and digging into all that I could find.

One of the things I've been most interested in recently is PPD or Post-Partum Depression.

Did you know 1 in every 8 women experience PPD?  And many suffer in silence.  I can't imagine living with that pain on your own (but then I can imagine it, bc/ I have so much pride that I'm sure I would think I can do it on my own, I would have such fear of being a burden, and fear of being judged as a mess, etc).

I have known many more than 8 women (mothers) in my life.  My heart breaks knowing that some of them have gone through this.  I've only known 1 woman who really asked for help, she was in my ward, and she needed someone to stay with her at all times so she wouldn't hurt the baby or herself.  The women in my ward took turns staying with her, and I felt so blessed to be trusted enough to be invited into her home to care for her and her new child.

Some of the physical symptoms of the depression are:
- Not being able to sleep (when you have the chance).
- No appetite / not being able to keep food down.
- And a lot of other symptoms of depression.

Some of the big feelings that result from the depression are:
- Anxiety that stems from everything and nothing.
- Guilt about not being a good enough wife and mother.
- Jealousy of other, happy, moms.
- Feeling like you are a monster, like you are a truly horrible person for thinking some of your thoughts.
- Distrust of doctors/psychiatrists/your spouse/friends/etc
- Shame
- Anger

If you found yourself here because you are experiencing PPD, just know that you are not alone.  You are not the first person to think the thoughts that you are having.  There are support groups you can go to, if you want.  Please know that it will get better.

If I know you, or if I don't know you, please know that you can reach out to me, and I would be ecstatic to do anything I can for you.  Even if it is just your dishes or a shoulder to cry on.