Extreme weight loss program

Make twiggy proud.

Struggling to lose those extra 10 pounds?

Really Really wishing that you could rock that pale albino/sunken skull look all the cool anorexic kids are rocking?

With just 3 easy payments of $999,999.99 I will personally allow you to read my simple 100 step program to lose 10 lbs in 3 days and look like you are on the edge of death.

Now, this is the honor system people.  Just go to my paypal account, send me the first installment of $999,999.99, and then you can keep reading.



Have you sent it yet?



Seriously, you need to pay me to keep reading.



 Keep reading for all the awesome details to my 150 step program!

1. Get a UTI.  Now now, I know this is rather unfair to my male customers.  I can hear the sexist outcries already.  It's true, UTI's are a dime a dozen with females, but much harder for males to obtain.  Sorry?

2. Now you lucky lucky person, stay away from Vitamin C, Cranberries, and Vitamin D.  We want that immune system down and that bladder infected ASAP.  Other things you can do to speed the process along is eat tons of sugar and caffeine.

11. Do you feel like you're peeing fire?  Good.  Maybe running to the bathroom a little too late?  GREAT! 

27. Now, don't worry if you've accidentally started taking Vitamin C and Cranberry pills at this point, you're past the point where they will do anything.

82. Wait a while, definitely don't go to the doctor, I'm sure you're body will take care of it on its own.

99.  Feeling any back pain yet?  It should feel like someone is stabbing you in the kidney.  Also good signs are a high fever (mine was usually between 103 and 104) and nausea.  (nausea isn't a necessity though, it worked just fine for me without it!)  You might also be shivering/shaking so violently that you can't safely drive.  At this point it would probably be a good idea to drive 20 min to class.  Get lots of exposure to the elements, experiment with shifting gears when you can't control your hand's convulsions...  You know, really have fun with it.

113. Now, this is really important.  Don't go to the doctor.  Tough it out.  You can do it.  Doctors and antibiotics are for pansies.  Let that infection get into your blood stream.  Go into sepsis, c'mon! I dare you!

136. Now that you've been septic for a couple days, and it's actually a wonder you're still alive, you can go to the doctor.  I know what you're thinking.  You probably would think you were already dead, if it weren't for all of the torturous pain your body is in.  How in the world do I expect you to move your legs, let alone get out of bed and go outside?  Well, just do it, OK?

149. LOL, the doctor wants a urine sample, HA, that's not happening.

173. Probably just zone out while the doctor is ripping you a new one for waiting so long to come to the doctor.  Then take the antibiotics.

200.  Wait... It's going to get worse before it gets better.

201.  Congratulations!  Sepsis has helped you lose those extra stubborn pounds.  However, now that you're well, and your body has eaten all of it's muscle, all you really are is flab.  and boy are you HUNGRY!!!  Don't be surprised if you quickly gain back all that you have lost and more!