James Graduated!

Congratulations JAMES!!!

James doesn't read this blog.

James doesn't read blogs.

So this is for all of you.

Thank you everyone who have been his support through this...  Also... this isn't the end of the story... please know we still need your support as much as ever ;)

Thank you everyone who came to the graduation party (both in physical form and in spirit).  James even admitted that he had a good time ;)

Elizabeth Smart

A lot of people remember Elizabeth Smart's abduction.  I feel like I remember it more clearly than most things that were happening at that time.  Mainly because of what we had in common: she is only a few months younger than me, I had lived in SLC for a while, we are both Mormon.  I remember fasting and praying for her, despite a clear understanding of what I was sure had happened to her.  I wanted to help look for her, but I knew no one would let me.

I remember the claims of news agencies that the evidence shows she just ran away, and that her sister was either covering her tracks or looking for attention.  I admired the strength of her sister to try her best despite so much public scrutiny and despite everyone second-guessing her (and telling her it wasn't enough).  I remember when her father was a suspect, and how the people around me also started to blame him (either outright - accusing him of murder, or round-about - it's his fault for letting all those ruffians into his house).  I remember how some people around me still blame him...

I have followed her closely, not in a seeking-after-celebrity way - but out of a genuine interest in how she was doing, since she survived.  I've wanted her to continue being okay.  When she was found I searched for pictures and information, but everything was kept very private.  I was always trying to find out more about her.  After she testified in court I would look up the new information, and I would look up pictures to see if she looked happy.  When she got married I looked for pictures and information as well.  There was a little bit of guilt though, because I didn't want to invade her privacy.

I recently went with my mom to Evanston's Healthy Woman Conference.  This is the second year in a row she has bought tickets for us.  This year, Elizabeth Smart was the speaker.  She did a great job, and I'm really glad that she told us her story.  When something bad happens to us, it is often hard to talk about it.  It really takes courage to invite people into the dark corners of our existence.

Grateful

Necklace I made for my grandma

I've made a friend recently.  I have several personality traits that can make me hard to be around, so I'm grateful for every new friend.

One day when I helping out at a local assisted living center, a patient showed the CNA one of her necklaces, it was broken, and she wanted it fixed.  I observed that it was a really easy fix, and told her that I would bring my jewelry pliers next time I came.

Well, it turned out that a lot of her jewelry was broken.

Luckily, I adore making and fixing jewelry.

The next time I came we sat for several hours.  She organized her jewelry, and set aside the things that needed fixing, and I repaired what I could (considering I had only brought my mini pliers).

While we sat we talked.  Her body betrays her, but you can tell that her regrets cause a lot more pain than her physical body does.  She has made a lot of changes in her life, but you can tell she feels like they came too late.  Her children blame her for a lot of their problems, and you can tell she agrees with them.  They openly shame and reject her for her earlier choices, and she feels like she deserves the way they treat her.

She is trying, despite her struggles, and that's what makes her beautiful to me.

When you're a teen you live by the idea that it is your life, YOLO (you only live once), etc.  I'm sure that everyone made decisions as a teen that they now regret (I know I did).  However, despite my devious desires, I had people around me who cared about me, and helped me to nurture values that kept me from straying as far as I might have.  I'm so grateful that I don't have the same burden of regrets as my new friend.


I'm not very good at remembering to say my morning or nightly prayers, but if I wake up especially grumpy, I'll say a quick and heartfelt prayer asking my Heavenly Father to help me notice all the blessings in my life.  Then as the day progresses, I'll say little prayers of gratitude for the things I've noticed.  This is one of those things.

Spring

Every year around this time I feel like Thumbelina.  I start seeing patches of warm sunlight and I exclaim, "The Sun!  The sun is shining again!!"  Nothing in life has really changed, but because winter is over, there is now hope in the world.

I then proceed to scramble desperately out of the mole hole.

Murphy is Slacking

On Friday our cub scouts got the opportunity to do the flag ceremony for an Eagle Court of Honor.

While doing my research I learned A LOT about flag ceremonies.  For instance, the color guard isn't supposed to salute, say the Pledge of Allegiance, or sing the national anthem.  That is because it is their duty to guard the flag, and nothing else.

Sadly, only 2 of our cub scouts would be able to make it, and you technically need at least three.

This is when an odd-but-fortunate set of events began to take place.

Do you know Murphy's Law?  It says, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

My mother would always mention it.  Usually it was while my father and her were trying to get out the door to go to the temple.  

Temple recommends went suddenly missing

Cars stopped working

Babysitters couldn't make it

Electricity went out

Children became sick...

Well, on Friday, Murphy must have been slacking...  Seriously slacking...  Or busy bugging someone more important... (Maybe concentrating on bringing in the snow storm...)

Friday morning I was talking to my mom.  She mentioned that her ward temple night was that night.  She was sad they wouldn't be able to go because they didn't have care for Dallin. 

I suddenly realized the remote possibility of having a 3rd cub scout for the flag ceremony.  Aaron is exactly the same age as our cub scouts.  In fact, he just received his wolf, and is now working on his bear.  It was just crazy that the one night of the month when I might get to watch Aaron coincided with the night our cubs were doing the flag ceremony.

My mom mentioned that Dallin's morning helper was late... supposed to be there at 8... it's now 8:30... (Turns out the helper thought he was supposed to be there at 10).

I told her about my cub scout conundrum, and how we would LOVE to watch Aaron if they're able to make it to the temple, but he needs to bring his scout shirt. haha. (my mom knows I was teasing)

Now, just for a second, you might be confused, so lets go off topic.  Aaron and Dallin are both my brothers.  I would love to watch them both.  However, Dallin has Muscular Dystrophy and is confined to a wheelchair.  In order for him to go places, my parents have to use their wheel-chair accessible van.   This van uses about 4 times the gas of any normal vehicle (maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get my point, it's expensive to drive long distances in it, and my parents live an hour away from me, and even further from the closest temple.)  My family is able to get a helper to come in and transfer/spend time with/help Dallin, and this is usually the only time when both my parents can leave the house at the same time, but when they do, they have to find someone else to watch Aaron if they want to have a date.

So, since Dallin's helper was now almost an hour late, my mom called the service, and asked if his helper could come that night instead...  Which he could!

So, through an odd set of coincidences, which I was previously convinced only happen in books, my parents got to go to their ward temple night, and our scouts had 3 boys for the flag ceremony!  Which, can I say, they rocked.  The scout in our troop who called out the orders MEMORIZED the commands!  They each did so well.

Ode to Sugar

Sugar, thy sweetness upon my lips.
Thou art my seductress, my vixen.
ya... that's all I've got... I'm not much of a poet...


(Sugaraholics Anonymus)
Hi, my name is Alicia.

"Hi Alicia"

It's been 16 hours since I last had sugar.  Probably the longest I've ever gone ;)

I've been addicted to sugar since before I can remember.  You might say that sugar doesn't count as an addiction, but (one of the many) definitions of addiction is: "Impaired control over substances or behavior, preoccupation with substance or behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial."

Sugar isn't good for you.  I know this.  High intake can lead to becoming overweight and/or getting diabetes.  There are no nutrients in sugar.  I don't need to eat sugar...  But still I consume it...  In unreasonably high quantities...

I remember every Halloween, when I would decide to save some of this candy for later...  but then... eating it all, and not feeling even a little sick, just full of energy... and FREE!!!

Then spotting my sister's saved candy a month later and wondering HOW!?!?!  Admiring her for her self control, and hating myself for the lack of it.  Fighting with myself over stealing some, and eventually, disgustingly, giving in and stealing some, and eating it in my room amid battling feelings of regret, disgust, and NEED!

Sneaking the ice cream out of the freezer and bringing it into the BATHROOM (gross!) to eat it, so my parents wouldn't catch me.  Telling myself, just a little more, and I'll put it back... but now it looks different on top... I better even it out... don't want to get caught... and end up eating half the carton...

The cake on top of the fridge... (I think it had a clown on it)  I repeatedly dug my finger into the icing every time I passed...  I knew I shouldn't... I tried to resist... Tried so hard...  Sometimes I would be able to hold back and not take any...  sometimes only a little, but other times I would lose all control... and eventually... when the destruction was discovered, everyone was disappointed at the destroyed cake.  I felt so guilty, so disappointed in myself, but another part of me was disappointed that it wouldn't be on top of the fridge so I would no longer get a regular fix.  The self disgust!
(My dad is reading this and thinking... It took her THIS long to tell the truth about that cake?  We've always known it was her...) (The sad thing is, just writing this makes me want to go out and buy a thing of cream cheese frosting and eat it all in one sitting...  I'll tell you what, it's a good thing I exercise...)

Apple pie, right?  Fruit...  is good for breakfast... Apple pie has fruit...

Brownies... have cocoa... which contains both iron and antioxidants... and grain... there is flour in brownies... there is flour in toast... which is good for breakfast... so ... brownies for breakfast!!

Ah... the justifications...

I've tried to quit so many times.

But it has never even lasted a day.

The last few years I've just accepted it, I've stopped fighting.



Then I watched this:
http://geneticroulettemovie.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZVRrbyGtos

Unlike Food, Inc. (which made me just want to stop eating all food, or give up the fight), this documentary actually left me with a positive attitude towards my ability to *eventually* avoid GMOs.

This has helped me with my sugar problem.

I've decided to start out by *trying* to avoid GMO corn, for the sake of posterity.  Luckily I don't have any personal digestive issues (crazy right?  after that colon abuse you'd think I'd have them all).  Corn isn't very nutritional anyway, so I won't be missing out on anything.

It is surprising the amount of trash you eliminate from your diet when you're trying to avoid the BT toxin.

TONS of packaged foods have, mainly, corn syrup.  This is what has helped me.  I tell myself I can have sugar, as long as it is cane or beet sugar (which, I swear, isn't in ANYTHING anymore).  So it has helped me make better decisions.  Instead of the Caramello (or orange sticks), I choose dark chocolate with almond pieces, made with cane sugar, which I typically am able to eat with much more moderation.  It's pretty sad, I love carmel with chocolate, but I have yet to find a "Caramello" type treat that doesn't have corn syrup...  So... If you find one... tell me!!  (not that it will help my sugar addiction, but seriously, tell me).

I've still been cheating.  When I eat a treat at someones house, I'm not going to ask them if it contains corn...  and just choosing not to eat it...  HA... seriously... not going to happen

Luckily I've never fallen into a soda addiction, otherwise this corn avoidance would be ssssoooo much more painful.  Weird right?  I have this severe sugar issue, but have somehow avoided a caffeine problem.

Engagement Ring

Sigh...

I'm sad

I lost my engagement ring.

On Saturday

I don't even remember taking it off.

I know I had it on at 4pm, because someone commented on it.

But I don't know for sure that I still had it on when I rode a bike home at 10pm.

I'm 90% sure I still had it on...

I remember putting on gloves (I was about to ride a bike in February at 10pm - brrr), and I seem to remember having to put them on so they wouldn't snag on the ring... but I've been doing that for so long...

Later that night there is a slight snag of wafting memory.  Something about putting it in the front pocket of the scrubs I was wearing.  However, I have no idea why I would do that, and if I did...  a thorough search of all scrub pockets comes out empty.

I'm sad

It hasn't spent this much time off my finger since James gave it to me 6.5 years ago.

I know it's just a thing, an object

but it's also a symbol, a reminder...  And it's pretty... what can I say... it's probably my most treasured possession.

I hope I find it soon