Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for James!!! 
I'm thankful for the love of God, the blessings of the spirit, and for religious freedom. 
I'm thankful for educational grants. 
I'm thankful for indoor heating and plumbing.  
I'm thankful for social programs such as libraries, public highways/freeways, firefighters, and police. 
I'm thankful for good health. 
I'm thankful for a family who loves me. 
I'm thankful for the good and bad life experiences which have made me into the person I am today.
And lets be honest, I am thankful for break from work and school which is provided to me via the Thanksgiving holiday.

I went on a job as an extra the other day.  It was a lot of fun.  It reminded me how much I love doing jobs that have to do with my creative side.  Acting, singing, modeling, makeup...  It's odd that I've seemingly been building this side-career for the last decade.  I keep coming back to it.  It's like playing for a job.

Stage and special effects makeup is definitely on the list of things I could spend the rest of my life doing.

What to do...

I've been brainstorming.

If I am going to dedicate the rest of my working life to a career, then the career I choose better be worthy of my life.

I want to make a difference, help people, enjoy myself, and lastly make enough money to survive.

I started out thinking that if I could be anything, no limits to time, money, etc., what would I want?

I would be a doctor, and I would want to join Doctors Without Borders.  Spend my life serving those in 3rd world countries who don't have access to medical care.

However...  James isn't on board with living in 3rd world countries... I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I'm sure my family also wouldn't want me spending my life in unstable countries with little access to communication...

That led to a discussion of what James wants to do, really wants to do...  and that led to our planning of our current *super secret project* which involves us becoming entrepreneurs.

If there is something that truly terrifies me, it is the thought of becoming an entrepreneur.   Don't ask me why.  But since I've spent my life fighting those things that scare me, I'm putting on a brave face.  Even though I would rather be a soldier in WWI.

So we're working on making that happen...

Meanwhile, I still have to figure out my dream.

On the Doctors Without Borders website...   YES, I know we already ruled that out...
On the Doctors Without Borders website they list the professions urgently needed:

    - Anesthesiologists/Nurse Anesthetists
    - HIV/AIDS and TB Specialists
    - Nurse Midwives/Certified Midwives
    - Obstetricians/Gynecologists
    - Pharmacists

Being a midwife would give me that fulfillment that I'm missing in accounting.  I know I wouldn't have any problems with any of the *bodily fluids* involved, and I would love to help women have more of a choice when it comes to birthing options.  I am also intellectually intrigued by this area of medicine.

Another option is definitely becoming an EMT.  Once again, I know I can handle the gore, and I know I keep a cool head in emergencies.  I have been self-educating in emergency medicine for at least 5 years (for the sake of preparedness).  I would love to learn more, and I would really enjoy being a first responder.  I would be ok with being on call and working graves as well. 

Stumble

This person who I have made, who everyone thinks I am.  This person who I have dedicated so much time, money, and effort into creating...  I'm realizing I'm not that person.  I'm worried for the first time in a long time about disappointing people, and I feel like a failure for even thinking about giving up on this path...



I never EVER saw myself going to graduate school.

As a first generation graduate, even graduating with a Bachelors degree was something that was potentially “out there.”  The original goal was maybe an Associates degree.

Now, by following the path I put my feet on, being incredibly stubborn, having a lot of support from those who love me, and having many blessings come my way, I have found myself not just in graduate school, but with even a small scholarship to help out with the cost.

But I feel lost.  Empty.

I’ve always been a firm believer that you make your own happiness.  You’ll never be happy if you’re constantly looking back or forward to a time of potential happiness.  Have goals, but live in the now.  Decide to be happy, and you will be.  It’s worked for me in the past…  But maybe my goals just need to change.

My psychologist recommended that I look at a list of Masters degrees and decide if that's really the Masters program I want to be in...  That was the first time I even considered that not becoming an accountant was even an option at this point.

I never EVER saw myself going to graduate school.  I never thought I was good enough or smart enough or connected enough or had enough money to ever even think about graduate school.  I never even thought I was smart enough to get a Bachelors degree.

If it weren’t for accounting, if I didn’t need this to qualify, I wouldn’t be here (despite my love of school).  

So... what do I want to be when I grow up?

Shrink

My grandma has bipolar paranoid schizophrenia.

For some unknown reason I have never thought of it as a very big deal (I actually think it is funny).  Maybe I've never had a problem with it because she has never targeted me.

When she isn't taking her medication she is a lot more interesting...  She has even been known to tell a dirty joke or two *gasp*

I was on some random health website, probably researching my ankle fiasco, when I saw a link titled "early warning signs of schizophrenia."  Thinking this would be HILARIOUS, I clicked it, and discovered I have a lot of them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not schizophrenic... (or am I?  Thinking you're not schizophrenic is one of the signs of schizophrenia!)  How confusing is that?  Now you probably think that YOU TOO are, aren't, are, aren't, are, aren't schizophrenic as well.

I jokingly told James that I'm schizophrenic and he laughed, then I read him the list of early warning signs, and he laughed... less... LOL

Anyway, the point is that I fit into so many of the categories I figured something might actually be wrong with me.  So I signed up for the (free!) counseling services on campus.  A month later I went in to see my new (doctoral student) shrink.

He decided I was depressed and recommended pills.  I said no.  He said I should change my Masters program to something else, I said I'd consider it.  He said I should watch two videos on ted.com, I agreed to that.  They were pretty good videos. 

http://www.ted.com/speakers/brene_brown.html

Anyway, I don't think my psychologist thinks I'm schizophrenic, so that's good.

Jobs

I just finished recruiting season at Weber State University.

I know a lot of people who got jobs from it.

I worked really hard and dedicated a lot of time to it.

I had a lot of employers tell me I had a good chance.

However, I didn't get even one job offer.

Fail.

Halloween

I love Halloween.

I love making gory special effects with makeup.

I love making costumes.

On Saturday we went to a party I was a zombie, and James was Link.

Today we're going to our ward party as Leia and Han.

Last year James was Boba Fett and I was Aurra Sing.

I don't know what we'll be tomorrow.  Not that it matters, we've never had trick-or-treaters at our house... :(

One of our first years of marriage we put together an ewok costume for a (yet unknown) little one.  I'm excited to one day subject our prodigy to our nerdyness.